Writing the MM in my MMF Romance

With HBO's Heated Rivalry bringing MM romance back into discourse, the question of women writing MM always resurfaces. I won't tell anyone they can't write something based on their background—ever. Anything in our imagination is fair game. But we have a responsibility to reduce harm, especially to marginalized communities.

Flat out: if you don't think LGBTQIA+ people deserve the same rights as straight people, put the MM romance down. You don't get to profit from people you refuse to treat as people. Argue with your diary.

When I developed the MM relationship in my romantic polycule, I wanted to avoid the common pitfalls of MM romance written for a largely cishet women audience.

Here's what I refused to do:

Bi-awakening as discovery narrative.
Though Devils in the Details has been a part of a bi-awakening promo, Tobias has always known he's bisexual. The Patron Saint doesn't awaken anything. I actually consider the story more of a bi-dusting off. Meeting the superhero reminds Tobias of the private life he's kept quiet, not that desire for men is new.

Feminizing the bottom.
My MMCs are masculine archetypes: a square-jawed detective and a chiseled superhero. Neither is locked into top or bottom roles. Tobias dreams of being dominated by the Patron Saint, but that doesn't make him less masculine or more feminine. He's the tallest, biggest man in the room and he wants to be f*cked. Both are true. His desire doesn't feminize him. It’s just who he is.

Mapping heteronormative roles onto gay sex.
Power dynamics in my characters' relationship are driven by psychology, not by who penetrates whom. The Patron Saint tops Tobias to meet Tobias's needs (to be wanted, to matter, to be useful). But in the rest of the series, the Patron Saint also submits to the FMC in the polycule. He’s a service top to one partner and a bottom to another, because power flows from their emotional architecture, not their gender performance.

Ignoring physical realities.
My characters prep. They use lube. Not to spoil Devils steamiest scene (in more ways than one!) Tobias fingers himself in the shower thinking about the Patron Saint. These moments are part of how gay sex actually works, and leaving them out erases the lived reality of queer intimacy.

Why this matters:

It's fine to read and write MM romance that falls into binaries or skips the lube. But when that's the only MM romance a cishet audience produces and consumes, we need to ask why. There are queer authors who still write MM for the cishet gaze, and I question why they continue to commodify identities for fantasy.

Fantasy can give some things a pass. But when it's used to objectify and dehumanize characters—and ultimately extends to objectifying real people—fantasy isn't a sufficient excuse.

To me, love means someone can't be an object. Good characterization means someone can't be an object. To read a romance is to see very specific people coming together.

That's what matters to me as a reader and writer of MM romance. And I hope that’s something you as a MM reader consider.